Sunday, 13 February 2011

a kick in the face.

When we're in our last year at primary school, we got told all the rumours we get told aren't true.
For example, first year kick ins, head flushed down the toilet, etc.

This is the case for the majority, but sadly not for all. I was the victim of being attacked as my first year kick in.

It was my second week in high school, had just been a normal day. I was walking home with my best friend, this wasn't normal, but had happened a couple of times since starting.
There was a large gang of about 12 people walking behind us, giggling. It wasn't unusual to have a big gang walking behind you as it was on the main road just outside the school.

I had my phone out, talking to my friend, then I heard a shout,
"oy give me your phone." it was a girls voice who turned out to be 3 years older than me. I ignored it, hoping it wasn't me she was talking too.

I walked another 5 steps in front, then I felt a grip on my hair, pulling me backwards. I fell to the ground. Just then I felt her kicking and punching every part of my body, including my face, my chin, my stomach.
It didn't just stop there though, she started pulling me closer and closer to the edge of the road by my hair. I honestly thought I was going to die. My friend couldn't do nothing but take in what was happening. Eventually she stopped, and I got up, and started running. I felt someone, another girl coming after me. The girl had taken my phone but was now handing it back.

I honestly had never felt so scared. The girl who done it got kicked out of school for the maximum allowed. 10 days. As if that would take away the flashbacks that I still live with 6 years on.
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Stopping Eatting..

I've added this post slightly early as I am currently waiting on an email back from a company who I've emailed to see if my blog can be used in any way.

I stopped eatting when I was in my last year of primary school. I had always been one of the larger ones in my class. It didn't affect me until my last year, Im not sure why but I think I also got worried about bullying starting in my first year at high school. It terrified me having to go to a new school never mind being bullied there.

I received constant comments about how I was looking good after a little of my weight had stopped. I didn't plan to stop eatting all together, I just wanted to look pretty. I wasn't completely ugly, but I wanted to be popular, and too fit in you had to be stick thin, and perfect.

I stopped eatting properly for well over 2 years, my mum did notice it but no matter what my family said, I still thought I needed to lose a little more. Hey what's losing a couple of stone eh?

I didn't plan on losing too much, but after losing a stone people were complimenting me more and more. At tea times, I would always find some sort of excuse,either Im not hungry, or I felt sick. My parents clicked on, but I denied any problem.

Soon, my skin became spotty, my eyes were always black and tired.Worst of all, my ribs began to show, yet I was still in denial. I am not proud of what I did, to me oh those around me. But what's worse than being left with the after affects.

Always being told "you're getting thin again" is enough. I find it hard to put on weight, even though I eat a healthy diet. I don't condone what I done, but it has made me who I am today. It's made me a better person. I beg anyone who thinks they have an eatting problem to stop, think and please get help. I seen a specialist who helped me magnificently. But I couldn't have done it without my family. But I know I can never make up what I put them through.

I am sincerely sorry to my family, and even now when I feel myself returning there, I know where to turn to.
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a daughters plee

Dear Mum,
I want you to know that no matter what I love you. You are the best mum in the world.
I don't want to beg you because I know it's not your fault. Its the drink. But mum, why can't you stop? Why can't you see you are the best person without it? And, most importantly, why can't you see that it will be the death of you? I don't want to lose my mum, my best friend, I don't want to lose you.
It's gotten worse since Auntie Susan died and I know the pain is still there, but don't talk to the drink about it. Instead, talk to us. Your family, not your worst enemies. I, for one, miss her too. She was taken too suddenly but you're not to blame, neither is it your fault you couldn't, or more like, didn't get the time to say goodbye.

I don't only miss my auntie, I miss you too, even though you're not gone. I miss the person who used to keep me strong, but now has to turn to the drink for their strength.

Mum, it kills me to think that one day Im going to lose you, but not only lose you..but knowing if you didn't turn to that I would have you longer. I love you always.
Mum, I can't pretend everythings okay anymore. Or that everythings normal when it's not. Please get help. I love you.

Mum, I love you and just want to scream at you somedays, but i promise never to lose faith in you.

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behind the scenes

It isn't easy to tell people the truth. Well, those that you know will never understand. In fact you believe no one understands.

Before I go any further, I just want to say, my mum isn't a bad person. Without alcohol she is the perfect mum. My best friend. It just all changes when she has a drink. My Mums weekly routine is get up, help grandparents, come home open a bottle of vodka, next day she's hungove, so won't touch any. This is my routine day in day out.

I hate when my mum drinks, as much as she doesn't mean to hurt us, quite often she can. Just by simply calling us names, or getting angry. I would do anything to help my mum, and I mean anything, but I also know I can't do anything until she helps herself. This, I guess, is what is most frustrating than any name calling or anger bursts.,
This is an addiction, which thankfully is now being highly recognised as an illness. My mum, for one isn't a selfish person, which this illness used to be seen as. It is the alcohol that makes her selfish. My mum will raid the cupboards for anything, this is usually vodka, but she'll grab anything she can. What makes this worse is, different drinks can make her react in different ways. For example, whisky, makes her angry, port gives her a downer. It's no telling how the days are gonna change.

I sometimes lie in my bed, crying until the point I feel sick and shaky and petrified. I pray every night that one day my mum wakes up and realizes before it's too late. Deep in my heart, I know nothing will change before it's too late though. I know I will lose my mum, my best friend to alcohol. This kills me a little more each and every day.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

if only i knew

Well I might be only 17 the now, but I've got a strong head on my shoulders.

In the next 10 years, I hope to have decided, and be qualified in whatever it is I chose to be. This I don't know exactly what, so I could end up anywhere.
I also want to be married. This is looking very realistic as I am engaged to my amazing fiance, Bryce, we've been together for a good few years now. It feels perfect. I am in love. We're planning a 2014\2015 wedding. But not any major details as of yet.

I wanna have my own house with Bryce, this also is looking realistic, as Bryce has been applying for a few jobs which includes a house. :]

Right now, I feel I have the world at my feet. I am doing well in having the grades to become a qualified childminder, passed all my first semester exams, and right now feeling good about the second semester. Well I hope I do well!

In this blog, dear secret diary, I plan to write about a few very personal things. Here's only a glimpse;

»dealing with a parent who has alcohol problems.
»having an eatting disorder.
»grief & loss.
» and many more.
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